Sex Offenders Who Look Like Celebrities

Good afternoon, ladies and germs. As of late, I’ve gotten quite a few requests by residents for somebody from Marshfield, Massachusetts, but never been given any kind link. Finally, I decided to just go looking for myself, and when I made my long trek over to the registry, I found that the town only has one sex offender, and he doesn’t even have a picture to accompany his profile. 

Dejected, I checked the neighboring town of Pembroke and found this man:

David Reed, three-time boy’s bunghole mungler champion of Massachusetts Department of Corrections, one-time champion of the “Look Like Jeffrey Ross Challenge”. To the right is the aforementioned Jeffrey Ross, a frequent comic on Comedy Central, with more of a history of roasting than a bag of chestnuts, though woefully lacking in kick-ass stunner shades. Since Mr. Ross has been Roastmaster of Comedy Central’s last six roasts, it comes to no surprise that he’s on the list for the roast of David Hasselhoff, a roast I managed to get a screener’s copy of, and let me tell you, they’re already hammering him on it.

“I used to sell insurance until I got let go- they said I looked like I fucked children. Then I met Jeffrey Ross and got into comedy, I knew it’d be different… twenty years and still getting a paycheck, Jeff? *point to Jeff, wink at Cloris Lichman*” - Zach Galafinakis

“So, this guy, David Reed, sex offender, y’know this guy? David Reed, y’know, he looks like Jeffrey Ross over here. They both like roasting, too, y’know that? Well, actually, David’s more into spitroasting. Y’know, hold a boy over the fire with his little…” - Jay Leno 
Unfun Fact: the graphic description that followed was longer than most State of the Union Addresses and had to be removed for brevity. It had seven references to fisting.

“Mffmm, dildoes, Jeffrey Ross… sex predator, cum… *applause, hoots of approval* my vagina.”  - Cloris Lichman

And as a special treat for people who enjoy comedians, and people who don’t enjoy comedians, I included another lookalike for the price of one! There you go, assholes who harp on the idea that I lean too heavily on comedians, I’ll put two non-mainstream comedians together and leave more room for your shitty egos.

Comedian and best selling author of such masterpieces as Happy Endings: Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch and I Hate Your Guts, Jim Norton isn’t afraid of having words put into his mouth, as he famously responded to a press release criticizing his comedy on the Opie and Anthony Show, “…and to the man who called me a racist and a pedophile, yes, you are observant.” From his “list of lists” published on his website, wrote such gems as:

- The 50 funniest moments in child pornography. 
- Women over 60 I’ve raped with a meat cleaver.
- The 5 snappiest remarks I’ve made while videotaping a miscarriage.
- My favorite 3 scenes in The Shining to masturbate to.
- The 10 lamest excuses my girlfriend ever gave for not eating my ass. 
- Pet names for my penis that rhyme with cesspool.
- My favorite Scriptures to read aloud while teabagging a retarded girl.
- The 4 best jobs my dad ever lost due to sodomy convictions.

Most times I have to work to come up with theories about how the celebrity in question secretly is the sex offender, but with James Norton, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. I mean, in the case of the selection I just quoted, I didn’t pick out any specific section, I just grabbed the first few lines of the article. It continues like that for quite a while, I just stopped from laughing so hard. 

But seriously, folks, Brian Wesley Peters of Bismarck, North Dakota, was convicted of three different counts of sexual imposition with minors, ranging from age twelve to age fifteen. Amazingly, he comes out of this article as the lesser of two chinless scumbags.

Remember way back in April when I said I’d be returning to North Dakota? Well it wasn’t just tough talk, because I’m back, and I’m kicking ass and taking names. And today, that name is Jose Gutierrez of Bismarck. 

On the right is Rob McElhenney, also known for playing Mac on the show he created, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”. I suppose the reason he’s surprised could stem from the irony that, while on the show, Glenn Howerton, or “Dennis” is the one who looks like a sex offender. 

“But what did Mr. Gutierrez do?” might the concerned citizen of an 8th-rate hamlet such as Bismarck ask. Well, rather than summarize, I’ll directly copy from the Family Watchdog website, because not only does it make for great masturbatory material, but it’s also filler. And as my literary equal, James Joyce, once said, “filler is the sawdust unto which the bread of life is spread with it’s pâtés and fecal matters” Source. But enough filler, here’s the filler:

SEXUAL ASSAULT, CLASS C FELONY - GUTIERREZ AND ANOTHER MAN MET A WOMAN EARLIER IN THE DAY AND WENT TO HER HOUSE WHILE SHE WAS AT WORK.  AFTER SHE CAME HOME, THEY ALL DRANK ALCOHOL AND WENT INTO HER BEDROOM TO LISTEN TO MUSIC.  GUTIERREZ AND THE OTHER MAN THEN HELD THE WOMAN DOWN AND RAPED HER AND FORCED HER TO GIVE ORAL SEX.

Well now. That’s quite some story, it’s a shame the real criminals are the people writing these descriptions, butchering the English language. “HELD THE WOMAN DOWN AND RAPED HER AND FORCED HER TO GIVE ORAL SEX” Hold the phone, how about a comma or two in there, to replace one of the ands? If you need somebody to write this stuff down, I’ll do it. Hell, I do this for free!

But then again, I also tuck my testicles between my legs in front of the mirror and pretend I’m Chyna from the WWE, so maybe I’m not the best person for the job.