Sex Offenders Who Look Like Celebrities

So I was thinking about hanging myself (think David Carradine,...

getaydsanddine — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 13:54:00 -0500

So I was thinking about hanging myself (think David Carradine, not David Foster Wallace). But right as I was about to finish tying the knot, I got an e-mail from Portland and I just couldn’t refuse a name like China Bob Mitchell. China Bob is a dead ringer for Penn Jillette: the magician, RB & BBCC alumni, and outspoken libertarian.

Now, according to Family Watchdog, Chinaman Bob was convicted of lewd acts with a child under the age of fourteen.

18-1508 - LEWD/LASCIVIOUS ACTS W/CHILD U/14

Unfortunately, this conviction did not take place in North Dakota. Why do I say this? Well, because if it had taken place there, as this site has documented in the past, the registry would give every detail of the nature of the crimes Mr. Mitchell had committed. Since we’re in this conundrum, we’re left to assume whether or not China Bob had taken the (in all likelihood) short victim, and, using some sort of cutting instrument, both styled the victim’s hair in the tradition of one Ed Asner and rendered the victim completely mute (probably not in that order though, probably because the victim had already ingested enough hair in the course of day, and that’s just gross).

Now, it doesn’t say whether or not China Bob and his mini-mute sex-slave traversed the valleys, plains, and various potato orchards of Idaho performing feats of wonder and amazement (like that one with the arrows and the fire, or when they say that the show’s called “Bullshit!” without a hint of irony), so it’s up to the reader at home to conclude what happened where, why things were how, and who exposed whose penis to whom.

That’s right, five months of nothing: just for this dreck. You know what that is?

Bullshit.

Update

getaydsanddine — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 14:48:00 -0400

No, I haven’t forgotten about this site/blog whatever it be called. I’ve been working on...

Good afternoon, ladies and germs. As of late, I’ve gotten quite a few requests by residents...

getaydsanddine — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 21:43:23 -0400

Good afternoon, ladies and germs. As of late, I’ve gotten quite a few requests by residents...

Remember way back in April when I said I’d be returning to North Dakota? Well it wasn’t...

getaydsanddine — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 14:18:19 -0400

Remember way back in April when I said I’d be returning to North Dakota? Well it wasn’t...

Everyone seated? Good. Because this could be the post that saves your child’s life. Not...

getaydsanddine — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 20:45:00 -0400

Everyone seated? Good. Because this could be the post that saves your child’s life. Not...

Let's make a contest!

getaydsanddine — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 19:17:10 -0400

Well now, Cub Scouts, I bet some of you notice I haven’t updated in quite a while. Well, as I...

Now, as should be evident by now, the types of characters I feature are convicted sex offenders, the...

getaydsanddine — Wed, 12 May 2010 14:15:34 -0400

Now, as should be evident by now, the types of characters I feature are convicted sex offenders, the...

Alright, kiddies. After a week off (for no reason other than...

getaydsanddine — Tue, 04 May 2010 20:13:00 -0400

Alright, kiddies. After a week off (for no reason other than pure laziness), I’m back in business. That being said, I’m going to look at least 17 times more lazy when I say that I didn’t find this shmoe, rather he was found by Ivette and Tina, both of whom also deserve thanks for the word-of-mouth exposure.

Today, we return to Virginia, to visit Mr. Noah Abbott of Mount Jackson, another charming customer convicted of “indecent liberties of children”. Like our previous friend from Utah, this man is what two celebrities would look like if they had a kid together. Unlike our friend from Utah, however, this would factor in the eventual birth defect from such a weird process. Let’s face it, Mr. Abbott looks like Adam and Jamie from Mythbusters with a touch of the downs. I could’ve made it a three-for-all of celebrities and included Corky from Life Goes On, but that would just be meanspirited, and that’s not what I’m about.

Usually I don’t give titles to my posts, because if I try they’re usually corny, and since nobody seems to understand irony, I don’t bother. But this time it’s different, in fact, I had too many titles to choose from, so I put them here:

Cherry-Busters
Hyman-Busters
That innocent look of childlike wonderment in one’s eyes-Busters
The ability to watch the Discovery Channel without the confusion of shame and sobbing-Busters
VaginaMyths

Get it? This post is just like what happens when I watch Mythbusters, I get fed-up with the shitty jokes halfway through and punch-out. Seriously, the build crew really sucks, except for one member. And I’m sure you all know who I’m talking about.

Before I begin, I’d like to thank Gorillamask and...

getaydsanddine — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 14:36:11 -0400

Before I begin, I’d like to thank Gorillamask and wanderabeiter over at Cracked for spreading the word about the site in one of those widespread, public manners. Now, in terms of today’s post, I’d like to thank HoboMike from Portland, OR for supplying me with this lovely gentleman so that I can be able to do my own shit. Of course, the person I’m talking about is Kevin Glenn Fields, also of Portland. If you don’t recognize his celebrity lookalike, either because you’re not a fan of basketball, or just plain racist, you’re looking at Magic Johnson on the right. Now, people familiar with Mr. Johnson are aware that in the early 90s (November ‘91 to be precise), he contracted HIV, claiming that he “didn’t know how [he] got it”, and few would know, because, if what he claimed was true, that he was not homosexual or bisexual, he was one of the few people to contract it via heterosexual intercourse (yes, I just said intercourse, no, I’m not your 7th grade biology teacher). As most know, HIV and AIDS are most commonly transmitted via blood.

In 1993, Mr. Fields was convicted of rape, which, is traumatic and often leads to blood. Some of you out there are thinking, “woah, that was way AFTER Magic contracted HIV, you can’t even be thinking… that doesn’t even make sense”. Yes, yes it does, my children. Remember the Kobe Bryant case? They prepared that one for a year before it got dismissed. However, just to bring us back, I’m not saying Magic Johnson raped anybody, just providing some possible answers to some questions that have yet to be answered, because, honestly, what basketball star is reluctant to say that he’s had multiple sexual partners while playing? Unless they were about to brag, and then Wilt Chamberlain came out with his 20,000 number, and they were like “damn.”

I guess I should also mention my one vocal detractor, before I end this Titanic of a shipwreck post. D. Pict, when you step back far enough from anything, certain things look more alike than others. I’m sure if you stepped back far enough, all carbon-based life would resemble one-another. Or your mouth, though I’m sure it looks like a cunt, it wouldn’t be used as such, because they serve different functions. Unless, of course, you’d prefer it to be used as one, in which case, I hope Magic empties his wand down your throat. With all this talk of AIDS and rape, I feel like I’m writing an extended piece for 4chan. I should probably kill myself.

Alright, silly geese, time to sit back and relax, because...

getaydsanddine — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 11:43:00 -0400

Alright, silly geese, time to sit back and relax, because I’m making a conscious effort to continue what I started, thanks to the help of a reader who actually gives back. Bunch of freeloading asses. Anywho, a reader we’ll just call Emily submitted this fine fellow by the name of Walter Jaworski Jr. of Massillon, Ohio. It’s pretty obvious that Mr. Jaworski is a dead-ringer for Jason Alexander. No, not that guy Britney Spears married for an hour way back when, I’m talking about Jason ”George Costanza” Alexander. You remember, back when NBC was a powerhouse that didn’t need to drag out that whole Pam-Jim thing on the Office for eight seasons past the point where it became unbearable and angering to keep ratings up, right? What- you don’t? Well, flip on TBS or your local Fox affiliate. Seinfeld in syndication is like the British Empire, the sun never sets on it, and it’s made Seinfeld rich to the point where he doesn’t need to work anymore. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for the rest of the cast, including Jason Alexander, who’s one failed sitcom away from being Walter Jaworski, getting busted for selling kiddie porn. Who knows, though, if he times it just right, it could do wonders for his career. I mean, after Kramer went on his rant, people wanted to watch that episode where the monkey threw the banana at him, and he overreacted, and caused emotional damage and embarrassment which he later had to apologize for. Except if it were with George, everybody would want to rewatch the episode where he gets caught staring at the cleavage of the underage daughter of the head of NBC. Just a thought, Jason. Just a thought.

So in the past week, I scoured maps looking for potential...

getaydsanddine — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 18:07:04 -0400

So in the past week, I scoured maps looking for potential candidates, and was brought to North Dakota, where I found a bland-looking white gentleman by the name of Brett Roger Rowley, whose face reminded me of bland-looking white gentleman/actor Mark Harmon, of CBS’ hit show NCIS. Wait, is NCIS a ‘hit’ show? Really? I mean, it’s been on for like, five years, but who watches it? Well, apparently, 11 million people. I used to leave the show on as background noise while I did something else. I’ve never heard anybody ever say “Hey, did you see NCIS last night?” Or “don’t tell me what happened on NCIS, I DVR’d it and haven’t seen it yet” In fact, I’m more likely to hear something like, “yeah, her parents figured out what we were doing, when they came downstairs and they saw us watching NCIS, since they realized nobody is engaged in that boring drivel of shitty network TV.” Congratulations, CBS, you’ve created perfect white noise.

And white vision to boot, I might add (not to be confused with the 1983 White Nationalist Literature Novel, White Vision). Speaking of bland-looking white people, North Dakota’s full of them. Don’t believe me? Check out Fargo and find me a character with melanin. No, the guy you’re thinking of is Asian. Having trouble? Driving you crazy? That’s the point, North Dakota will cause something inside a man’s head to snap, today’s instance is Mr. Rowley of Grand Forks. According to FamilyWatchdog, Rowley’s conviction record reads as such:

INDECENT EXPOSURE - ROWLEY WAS SITTING AND MASTURBATING IN A VEHICLE IN THE WALMART PARKING LOT. HE GOT OUT OF THE CAR, EXPOSED HIMSELF, AND EJACULATED. (This is a great hook. Instantly, I want to know more- such as how he managed to ejaculate just by exposing himself, or if he covered up between masturbating and getting out of the car. So many questions.)

INDECENT EXPOSURE - ROWLEY WAS AT THE PARKING LOT OF THE ENGLESTAD ARENA AND SEVERAL CITIZENS OBSERVED ROWLEY ON HIS KNEES MASTURBATING BETWEEN TWO CARS. (What was playing at the arena? It’s not relevant, I just want to know how upscale of a clientèle was privy to this free show. And was he doing it when everybody was going to their cars? And why on his knees? Maybe he was just trying to destroy an anthill.)

INDECENT EXPOSURE - ROWLEY APPROACHED A FEMALE CO-ED AND THEN FOLLOWED HER TO A HOUSE AS SHE ATTEMPTED TO AVOID HIM. WHEN THE GIRL LOOKED BACK AT ROWLEY, HE DROPPED HIS PANTS AND BEGAN PLAYING WITH HIMSELF. (Does he have samurai reflexes? Or does he just walk around in snap-off basketball pants on the off-chance he sees an attractive co-ed? How long was she looking at him that he was able to drop his pants and begin a game of pickle? He can’t follow her with his pants around his ankles, so did this just turn into a staring match with his third eye? I ask the questions others are afraid to approach.)

INDECENT EXPOSURE - ROWLEY WALKED UP TO A CONVENIENCE STORE CLERK WITH HIS PENIS HANGING OUT OF HIS PANTS AND SAID “WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS?” (There are times in life where things just have to be done. I understand this instance as one of those times. Also, I wish FamilyWatchdog didn’t have everything in capital letters, because the tone is important. As written, it looks aggressive, when it could’ve just been an innocent question. Prudes.)

In summary, North Dakota has the best conviction logs in the nation to read. So if you’ve been looking for some extra homework, find some lookalikes in the Peace Garden State. Or don’t. There are plenty that are still fun to read.

In 1998, Robert De Niro was hauled in by French police officials...

getaydsanddine — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 12:00:00 -0400

In 1998, Robert De Niro was hauled in by French police officials in relation to a prostitution ring he was rumored to have had a hand in. He was eventually released, but the experience left him with a disdain towards the French law enforcement. Also in 1998, a Saucier, Mississippi resident by the name of David Lee Mengasser was convicted of molesting a minor. One of these was headline-grabbing news, the other went unnoticed by the mainstream media. Looking at the two men involved, one can see an uncanny resemblance, and as a side note, has anybody even seen Ronin, the movie De Niro was allegedly filming in France at the time he was apprehended? I certainly haven’t. Are all these things coincidental, or are they signs that the system is cracked and exploited by the rich and famous?

Answer: they’re coincidental. Looking at some of his current and past significant others, it becomes quite obvious he’s never been in Mississippi long enough to end up in the registry.

Yeah, I called everybody from Mississippi racist cunts. Do something about it.

You know those posters for missing kids where they use computers...

getaydsanddine — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 13:39:00 -0400

You know those posters for missing kids where they use computers to see what the kid would look like with the addition of a sun tan and three years of sexual abuse? Alright, well today that’s what I’m doing. Except in reverse, by turning back the clock on a creep to see what they looked like before they got into the whole “AIM and kiddie diddling” scene. That being said, today’s favorite felon is Mr. Danny Robitaille of West Brookfield, Massachusetts, who was convicted of two counts of “indecent assault on a child under 14” and a charge of “dissemination of matter harmful to minors” (gave porn to kids, or just showed them Murphy the Mouse in the back of the bike shop).

But enough laughs at the expense of young Arnold’s dehumanization, let’s get to Danny’s younger counterpart, Cracked.com’s assistant editor, Daniel O’Brien. Now, writing for the Internet is easy- doing it on a consistent enough basis while exploring the Internet subculture, yet not falling victim to its many distractions is not. The Internet is full of many things: porn, videos of cats doing humorous things, ramblings of the insane, porn, 4chan, and on some sites, if you look carefully, you can find pornography. As Nietzsche said, “He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” If Mr. O’Brien allows himself to slide, he may easily find himself getting bored with such taboo as watersports, bestiality and scat until one day he’s splitting a plate of brownies with Perverted Justice on Dateline. Godspeed, DOB, and be careful.

Alright, it’s a new week, so try something new with this...

getaydsanddine — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 12:07:35 -0400

Alright, it’s a new week, so try something new with this one. So I was trolling through Salt Lake City, a city whose suppression of vice and indecency rivals that of 17th century Salem. It’s a city that reminds you of the “Leave it to Beaver” idealistic suburban family with the dad who’s currently on probation for a string of offenses in a highway rest area, but yells at the son for getting an earring because he worries it’ll “let the evil ideas into the head”. Anywho, SLC was a concentrated hotbed of creeps, perverts, and even a few registered sex offenders. One of these aforementioned offenders was one Mr. Eric Higham, who ended up mapped because of a sexual abuse of a child conviction some time back.

Looking at his picture, I couldn’t figure it out, and then I realized it wasn’t any one celebrity, but a mix of two. Imagine if the technology existed that would allow two men could have a baby (and assuming the baby didn’t end up with some sort of mild skin condition because of bugs in the technology). Now, let’s pretend these two men were the outstanding Canadian comedian Kenny Hotz from Kenny vs. Spenny, and third-rate joke thief Carlos Mencia. First, we take Mencia’s head shape, hairline, and “sort-of chin” thing he’s got going on. Now, we add Hotz’s eyes, nose, and mouth, and a little bit of “Just for Men” to the 5 o’clock shadow, and we have Eric Higham, second-rate felon.

So I was trolling through Wasilla, AK and came across this sack...

getaydsanddine — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:45:29 -0400

So I was trolling through Wasilla, AK and came across this sack of sagging skin (alliteration is fun!) by the name of William Breuer who reminded me of James Garner when he replaced John Ritter as the new corpse on 8 Simple Rules.

Apparently Ole’ Willy was convicted for second-degree attempt to sexual abuse a minor. I’m not sure how you do this, if you mean to demean the size of a kid’s genitals, but instead say “cook” instead of “cock” when the cops broke in? I don’t know, that’s why I’m not a lawyer.

So the celebrities so far haven’t been quite up to...

getaydsanddine — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 18:30:43 -0400

So the celebrities so far haven’t been quite up to your caliber? Fine, let’s try this one.

You ever see “Con Air”? Yeah, I know, I try to avoid Nicholas Cage movies too, but just turn on USA Network, I’ll wait.

…you see where I’m going? Good. Well, John Malkovich didn’t go to jail to prepare for his role, in case you’re wondering. The guy on your left is failed rapist James Sharkus of Quincy, MA. On the right is John Malkovich, who you might recognize from the poster of a pretentious movie your trendy friend keeps telling you “you’ve got to see”. Or Con Air. Yeah, if you’re reading this, it’s probably Con Air.

It’s a pleasant irony that anybody who would mistake...

getaydsanddine — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 17:35:21 -0400

It’s a pleasant irony that anybody who would mistake Reginald Gibson for Gallagher would be people of no interest to Mr. Gibson, as he prefers to take his “indecent liberties” with children, and the only people I’ve ever met who were fans of Gallagher were my grandparents. Nonetheless, if you’re in the DC suburb of Fairfax, just be aware that Gallagher hasn’t decided to revive the whole “Gallagher Too!” act. Especially since Gibson apparently prefers smashing preteens to watermelons.

Get it? He smashed shit with a mallet. Eugh, hack. Too bad he’s not incarcerated.

On our left, we have Dragon McDaniel of Richmond, VA. Around those parts, he’s known for...

getaydsanddine — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 18:08:00 -0400

On our left, we have Dragon McDaniel of Richmond, VA. Around those parts, he’s known for...

In the Beginning...

getaydsanddine — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 18:07:38 -0400

Not too long ago, I discovered the National Sex Offender Registry, a powerful tool useful for...