Remember way back in April when I said I’d be returning to North Dakota? Well it wasn’t just tough talk, because I’m back, and I’m kicking ass and taking names. And today, that name is Jose Gutierrez of Bismarck.
On the right is Rob McElhenney, also known for playing Mac on the show he created, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”. I suppose the reason he’s surprised could stem from the irony that, while on the show, Glenn Howerton, or “Dennis” is the one who looks like a sex offender.
“But what did Mr. Gutierrez do?” might the concerned citizen of an 8th-rate hamlet such as Bismarck ask. Well, rather than summarize, I’ll directly copy from the Family Watchdog website, because not only does it make for great masturbatory material, but it’s also filler. And as my literary equal, James Joyce, once said, “filler is the sawdust unto which the bread of life is spread with it’s pâtés and fecal matters” Source. But enough filler, here’s the filler:
SEXUAL ASSAULT, CLASS C FELONY - GUTIERREZ AND ANOTHER MAN MET A WOMAN EARLIER IN THE DAY AND WENT TO HER HOUSE WHILE SHE WAS AT WORK. AFTER SHE CAME HOME, THEY ALL DRANK ALCOHOL AND WENT INTO HER BEDROOM TO LISTEN TO MUSIC. GUTIERREZ AND THE OTHER MAN THEN HELD THE WOMAN DOWN AND RAPED HER AND FORCED HER TO GIVE ORAL SEX.
Well now. That’s quite some story, it’s a shame the real criminals are the people writing these descriptions, butchering the English language. “HELD THE WOMAN DOWN AND RAPED HER AND FORCED HER TO GIVE ORAL SEX” Hold the phone, how about a comma or two in there, to replace one of the ands? If you need somebody to write this stuff down, I’ll do it. Hell, I do this for free!
But then again, I also tuck my testicles between my legs in front of the mirror and pretend I’m Chyna from the WWE, so maybe I’m not the best person for the job.